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At v?re der for sig selv og for andre:

At v?re der for sig selv og for andre:

Vi har alle brug for at v?re der for andre og v?re en del af noget. Men vi skal ogsa v?re der for os selv. Det g?lder ogsa i parforhold. Mange smabornsfamilier oplever perioder, hvor man som for?ldre ma s?tte sig selv til side og have bornene i fokus. Der er ikke plads til meget andet. Og sa sovn selvfolgelig. Sove, sa snart der er en ledig stund.

Nar bornene bliver storre og lettere at handtere, skal mange par finde sig selv igen. En dialog kunne lyde: ”Hvor blev vi af?” sporger den ene en aften. ”Hvor blev du af? Du har ikke haft fokus pa andet end bornene de sidste tre ar. Jeg kan ikke genkende dig l?ngere. Du plejede at v?re sa positiv og energisk,” siger den anden og far folgende svar: ”Der har jo ikke v?ret tid til mig! Mens du har haft tid til dig selv og dine interesser, har jeg v?ret hjemme og taget mig af bornene. Jeg har sat mig selv til side, for at du kunne fa tid.”

I eksemplet her er parret fanget i en klassisk dynamik mellem at v?re der for andre og for sig selv, hvor den ene partner oplever at have varetaget det ene, mens den anden ikke har v?ret opm?rksom pa det.

Den ene risikerer at miste sig selv for at v?re der for andre, mens den anden har sine egne behov i fokus. Det bor n?rmere v?re sadan, at man bade kan v?re der for andre og for sig selv. I hvert fald over tid.

Eksempler pa paradokser:

• Ensartethed og forskellighed – at have en vis form for ensartethed i familien, men ogsa give plads til forskellighed • Frihed og forpligtigelse – at man kan v?re fri og selvst?ndig og samtidig er forpligtiget (for eksempel pa familien og f?llesskabet) • Planl?gning og fleksibilitet – at man kan planl?gge sin tid og samtidig v?re fleksibel over for det, man har planlagt • Initiativ og afvente – at man kan tage initiativ, for eksempel til at v?re sammen, og at man kan afvente og give plads til den anden • Selvst?ndighed og forbundethed – at v?re et selvst?ndigt individ og samtidig v?re gensidig forbundet til og afh?ngig af andre

Fa oje postordre brud “svindel” pa paradokserne og tal om dem

Nar man star midt i et paradoks, kan man v?re fristet til at t?nke i losninger, der er enten-eller. Men man kan ikke lose et paradoks ved at frav?lge den ene side. For sa har man ikke lost noget. I stedet kan man forsoge at balancere det. Det handler i forste omgang om at fa oje pa paradokserne og acceptere dem.

Inden for det, der kaldes paradokst?nkning, er pointen netop, at man ikke kan v?lge side i et paradoks og se bort fra den anden side. Da begge sider har sin berettigelse, ma man have begge sider med i losningen af paradokset. Ovelsen bestar derfor i lobende at finde en balance, begge kan leve med, hvor man v?gter de to sider over for hinanden.

I det hele taget er det vigtigt at forsta, hvordan ens handlinger pavirker ens partner, hvis forholdet skal holde i l?ngden. Hvis det for eksempel altid er den ene, der planl?gger og tager initiativ, er der maske ikke megen plads til, at den anden part far lov til at gore det.

Her kan man hver is?r forsoge at udvide sine handlinger, sa man ikke polariserer sig yderligere, men snarere far opbygget en bedre dynamik ved at forsta paradokserne. For eksempel sa begge parter kan finde ud af at tage initiativ og v?re afventende. Det kr?ver bade noget fra den, der forsoger at komme mere pa banen og den, der skal lade den anden gore det.

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